#I apologize if it sounds like I'm repeating myself through but it's really something you need to play or watch

[splashink-games]

Getting to the end is not what's important.

Did I not do a good job?

I am absolutely astounded by SANABI by WONDER POTION.

trying to be as spoiler-free as I can.

Good lord.

I was not expecting such an emotional experience.

Even after I spoiled myself a bit because our daughter (I'm okay to call the child that right? collectively, yours, mine, and our main character's (who is also ours to share)) had some very gif-able moments for me to look up and save.

ugh.

Don't even get me started on how incredibly wholesome the intro sequence is! Or mostly any memory for that matter.

Let me move on...

I heard that this game is often compared to Katana ZERO. I haven't played Katana ZERO but I've watched a friend speedrun it, and I get it, though I can't compare the narratives. But that's not what's important.

SANABI is an incredibly well-told story with fast-pace gameplay. The storytelling succeeds because it gives the player information while keeping that same information from the main character, along with hints to a conclusion that we, as the player, can infer.

and that inference builds and builds, cracking the reality that our main character (MC for short) is experiencing in Mago City until it crumbles.

this is a story is about loss and acceptance.

Our journey with these two vastly different characters, Mari and MC is nothing short of exquisite.

it's hard to put into words without spoiling anything.

each character has a very strong goal. MC is out for revenge, while Mari's is pretty vague until the midpoint, but we can surmise it also as revenge. from the onset, Mari tells you that their goals currently align. and every plot point serves an obstacle in their progress (as it should in a game).

but with every obstacle, their determination and sense of reality is affected. the two grind each other's gears. but also get back to a moderate peace. well, until they can't.

mysteries are thrown around. answers can't, or won't, be given. things happen. the situation changes. Mari and the MC change.

and when the pair finally gets to their destination, it's nothing like they expected. Getting to the end is not what's important.

Mari has an amazing arc. you know what she's after part way through the game. and it becomes clearer how desperate she is. like, what a fascinating character Mari is for being able to act in the manner she does. for being faced with the situation at hand until she can no longer bear it.

MC has an equally fantastic arc. for being such a one-track minded character until he isn't. until he thinks for a moment about everything that's happening. but no answer are given.

it's hard to describe how deeply rooted in emotion these characters are. and I think the experience of them is worth it.

with all that being said, the gameplay was rad.

for me, SANABI puts into perspective how much you can do with a few buttons. for reference, I use a Nintendo Switch-style controller. you never use the B button or the bumpers. you start using Y and left trigger halfway through the game. and I never needed to use the right joystick, even though I could.

my biggest gripe, gameplay-wise, was the ground-less boss fight. I don't know if I'm just bad at the game (I am, though) or if I have a problem with having no ground to stand on. I think the biggest issue is the inability to save oneself at the bottom of the screen. it's a very air-centric fight, so I guess it gets a pass, but it's definitely not my favourite.

everything else was smooth as butter. the introduction of new mechanics was never out of the way. the main mechanics themselves (grappling, swinging, and hooking enemies) were great and ties itself well to the narrative.

even as I was speeding through the finally sequence of the game, I still enjoyed swinging along. in between narrative sequences.

SANABI is a wonderfully crafted game, focused on delivering a thoughtful story with smooth mechanics as its vehicle.

This game is definitely a must-play for anyone!

As always,

Enjoy gaming!

[cherryxbooo]

okay, hear me out. I've had this idea in my head for so long and have never found anything like it.

Lando Norris falls for a FAN! She lives in England or France or Monaco, they meet somewhere that’s not the racetrack and somehow he falls in love. He knows she’s a fan so it’s hard for him to admit that he fell for her.

Just another fan

Summary: When meeting a fan in an unusual encounter Lando couldn’t help but feel attracted by her presence. The only thing stopping him? Her being his fan.

Note: first of all I couldn’t be more thankful for all the support all of you have showed me on my comeback stories and I’m very grateful for that! Thank you for your request anon, I hope this lives up to your expectations! Have fun reading!

Reader x Lando Norris

Genre: fluff/angst(ish)

I was in a frantic rush. Late for my uni lecture again. The coffee cup trembling in my hand as I weaved my way through the bustling café. Engrossed in my thoughts, I didn’t watch where I was going, and then it happened... the inevitable crash. Coffee splattered everywhere, including all over the stranger in front of me.

I froze in horror, my face turning a deep shade of scarlet. "Oh god, I-I'm so sorry!" I managed to stutter.

Lando reacted with a bewildered expression, looking down at his now-stained shirt before turning back to me.

"It's alright," he said, an amused twinkle in his eye despite his coffee-stained shirt. "Accidents happen."

I fumbled for words, trying to apologize profusely, and yet, I was struck by his casual demeanor. This guy, this person I had just spilled coffee all over, was handling the situation so much better than I was, and it was only then that I glanced at his face. My heart skipped a beat. Lando Norris. I was standing in front of Lando Norris.

Lando chuckled again, the sound rich and warm, as he watched me struggle to compose myself. "You know," he said, the smirk on his face softening to a more genuine smile, "Most people would at least recognize me before pouring coffee all over me."

"I’m… I’m so sorry," I repeated, still struggling to overcome my shock. My brain was still trying to process the fact that I was standing in front of one of my favorite drivers, and I’d just managed to make a complete fool of myself in front of him.

Lando’s smile held a hint of understanding, and he waved off my repeated apologies. "Seriously, it’s fine," he reassured, glancing down at his coffee-stained shirt. "This isn’t the worst thing that’s been spilled on me, trust me."

In spite of the situation, I found myself feeling a little relieved at his casual acceptance. The initial wave of embarrassment was beginning to recede, replaced by a more manageable feeling of awkwardness. "Still, I feel terrible," I said, trying to force a sheepish smile. "Let me at least pay for the dry cleaning, or something…"

Lando shook his head, his expression growing more amused. "Dry cleaning’s not necessary," he replied, waving off my offer. "But considering you just soaked me in coffee, perhaps you can make it up to me?"

My heart skipped a beat at his words, my stomach twisting, already thinking of the worst scenarios.“How?” I asked weakly, trying to keep my composure.

Lando leaned against the wall, his eyes flicking over me for a moment, taking in my flustered state. "Simple really," he said, a hint of a challenge in his voice. "You buy me a new coffee, we’ll sit down, and you can make it up to me by keeping me company."

My breath caught in my throat for a moment, my mind racing. Lando Norris, asking to spend time with me? It was too much to process. But there was no mistaking the gleam of interest in his eyes. He was serious.

"Oh euhm okay," I managed to stammer out, my cheeks flushing under his gaze. "Coffee. I can do that."

Lando’s smile widened, a satisfied expression on his face as he gestured for me to lead the way to the counter. As I turned, heading towards the counter to order the coffee, I could feel his eyes on me, and my heart thumped in my chest.

This was really happening. I was about to buy coffee for Lando Norris. 18-year old me wouldn’t believe this.

As we waited for our coffees, the silence between us was filled with a tension that I couldn’t quite describe. Lando seemed relaxed, but I could almost feel the energy radiating from him. I couldn’t help repeatedly glancing at him, marveling at how someone could look so good, even after having coffee spilled on them.

After getting the order, Lando led the way to a small, secluded table in the corner of the cafe. I followed, trying to hide the fact that I was a bundle of nerves. Sitting down across from each other, I clutched my coffee cup like a lifeline. The silence was tangible, broken only by the soft hum of other patrons in the cafe.

Lando took a sip of his coffee, his gaze never leaving me. After a moment, he leaned back, a hint of a smile on his lips. "So," he began, his voice soft but clear, "You’re a fan, aren’t you?"

My eyes widened at his question, and a wave of unexpected shock washed over me. I hadn’t expected him to pick up on my fan girl status so quickly. It was obvious, I guess, but I also didn’t want to invade his privacy.

"I… uh… well," I fumbled for words, my face heating up. "I am a fan, yes."

Lando chuckled, his eyes never leaving mine. "It’s okay, you don’t have to deny it." He took another sip of coffee. “I could tell the moment you realized who I was."

I fidgeted in my seat, feeling exposed under his gaze. "Was I that obvious?" I muttered, cursing myself for my lack of subtlety.

Lando leaned back in his chair, that amused smile still on his face. "Let’s just say you weren’t very discreet. Your face lit up like a Christmas tree when you realized who you were dealing with."

I couldn’t help the embarrassed laugh that escaped me. "I guess I’m not very good at hiding things, also I didn't know you would be in England this week." I admitted, trying to play it down with humor.

"No not at all.” He laughs at my comment. “And yeah I came down to visit my family for a bit." Lando added, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "And don't worry about it, it’s refreshing, actually. Most people either don’t recognize me or try to play it cool when they do. You were like a deer caught in headlights."

I let out a soft groan, burying my face in my hands. "I must have looked so ridiculous," I mumbled, my words muffled by my palms.

Lando reached out, gently pulling my hands away from my face. His touch sent a shiver down my spine. "No, it was adorable," he corrected, his voice holding a hint of sincerity beneath the humor.

I looked up at him, my face probably aflame. Was he seriously calling me adorable? "You’re just saying that," I muttered, taking a gulp of my coffee to distract myself.

Lando laughed, a sound that sent a wave of butterflies flying through my stomach. "No, I mean it," he insisted. "You didn’t try to act all cool and casual around me. You just… reacted. It was honest, and it was cute."

And soon the conversation between us started flowing.

After some time, I glanced at my watch, my eyes widening at the time. “Damn, my lectures…” I muttered, realizing I’d missed my class.

Lando, who seemed oblivious to the time as well, shot a look at my watch. “Oh, right,” he said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. “Guess we got carried away.”

I was gathering my bag and taking one last sip of coffee, my mind still swirling with questions when Lando spoke up.

"Before you leave," he said, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I was wondering if I could get your number."

The casual request caught me off guard, but I quickly recovered. "My… my number?" I repeated, already pulling my own phone out of my bag.

Lando chuckled at my surprised expression. "Yeah, your number. You know, so we can stay in touch."

I fumbled with my phone for a moment, unlocking it and pulling up the new contact option. "Of course," I said, my mind racing. This was really happening. Lando Norris was asking for my number.

I slowly handed him my phone, watching as he tapped in his number. He handed it back to me, our fingers brushing together in a brief, electric moment.

"There," he said, a sly smile on his lips. "Now you’ve got my number, and I’ve got yours."

I looked down at my phone, seeing his contact information displayed. I couldn’t believe it. "Thanks," I said, the word feeling incredibly inadequate considering the whirlwind of emotions racing through me.

Lando pocketed his phone, his gaze never leaving me. "Don't mention it," he said, a genuine smile on his face. "It was… good talking to you. You know, despite the coffee incident."

I laughed, the nervous energy of earlier shifting into a more comfortable banter. "Yeah, sorry about that. I promise not to spill anything on you next time we meet."

Lando chuckled, running a hand through his hair. "I’ll keep that in mind. Wouldn’t want to have to start a coffee-stained shirt collection because of you."

The image of Lando with a closet full of coffee-stained shirts flashed through my mind, making me laugh again. "Trust me, that’s the last thing I want," I said, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

There was a beat of silence, both of us seeming reluctant to end the conversation. Finally, Lando spoke up. “Well, I should let you get going,” he said, his tone carrying a hint of regret. “Can’t cause you to miss another uni lecture, can I?”

I nodded, although a part of me didn’t want the conversation to end. "Yeah, you’re right," I replied, a small sigh escaping me. “I had a really nice time talking to you.”

Lando’s smile widened, a hint of satisfaction in his eyes. “I enjoyed talking to you too,” he said, a sincerity in his tone.

After bidding goodbye to each other, I pushed through the door, the cool air of the city hitting me, but I barely registered it. My mind was still reeling, replaying every moment of our conversation on a loop. As I walked away from the café, I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot.

As I walked, thinking about earlier events, my phone buzzed in my hand. I looked down to see a text message popping up on the screen. It was from Lando.

I smiled at my phone, still not believing that I met the Lando Norris who’s weirdly enough interested in me.

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yourusername Didn't skip class for a cute guy or anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

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bffuser Girl u was literally fangirling

yourusername Oh shut up you would act the same

frienduser3 Fangirling? Did we miss something?

yourusername No no don't worry nothing special

frienduser3 🤓

frienduser1 Why you always spilling coffee on people 🤣

yourusername Don't expose me now, I told you this information in pure trust 🥲

frienduser2 Y/N it literally happened a week ago as well

yourusername I don't like any of you 😒

Weeks flew by in a blur of texts, calls, and busy schedules. Work and uni left little room for much else. But despite the distance, Lando and I kept in touch daily.

One day, as I was buried under a mountain of notes and textbooks, my phone buzzed with a new message. Expecting another funny meme from Lando, I was surprised to see a different message.

With that decision made, the conversation shifted to practicalities. We discussed the details of my arrival, where I’d be staying, and what to expect during the race weekend. By the end of the conversation, the excitement had far outweighed any lingering doubts. The countdown to Silverstone began.

Meanwhile, Lando was caught off guard when his best friend, Max Fewtrell, came up from behind him and slapped him on the shoulder. “Oi, what’s got you grinning like that?” Max asked, raising an eyebrow.

Lando quickly composed himself, putting his phone away. “Nothing,” he said, attempting to play it cool. “Just talking to someone, that’s all.”

Max wasn’t convinced. “Is it a girl?” he pressed, a smirk on his face.

Lando cursed inwardly. Max had a knack for sniffing out stuff like this.

“Maybe,” he admitted, his voice betraying a bit of reluctance. “But it’s nothing serious.”

Max’s eyebrow shot up again. “Not serious? Then why are you smiling like a fool over some texts?”

Lando huffed, running a hand through his hair. He knew he wasn’t fooling Max with this act of aloofness.

“Fine. There is a girl. But it’s complicated.”

Max’s smirk widened. “Complicated? That’s an interesting way to put it. Why is it complicated?” he asked, leaning against the wall, obviously enjoying Lando’s discomfort.

Lando hesitated for a moment, his fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “Because… well… she’s a fan.”

Max’s expression turned a bit incredulous. “A fan? As in, a fan of yours?”

Lando nodded, a mixture of defensiveness and uncertainty in his eyes. “Yes. A fan. She was at a café where I was hanging out, and we just started talking. And now we talk all the time… but she’s a fan, and I don’t know if it’s a good idea to get involved with someone who already has an idea about who I am.”

Max’s smirk softened slightly into a thoughtful expression. “I get where you’re coming from. But just because she’s a fan doesn’t mean she likes you for the wrong reasons,” he said, a hint of reason in his tone. “And people change their perceptions. What if she gets to know the real you and falls even harder?”

Lando considered Max’s words, knowing he had a point. “I know… but what if she’s more interested in the idea of me, the driver, than who I really am?” he voiced his biggest fear.

Max shrugged, a knowing look in his eyes. “Then you’ll figure that out when you see her. If she’s serious about you, she’ll look past the whole ‘F1 driver’ thing. But if you keep worrying about what could go wrong, you’ll never find out what could go right.”

Lando sighed, torn between the possibilities and the risks. “You’re probably right,” he admitted, a hint of resignation in his voice. “Maybe I’m just overthinking it. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that gamble though.”

Max gave Lando a knowing look. “You’re already knee-deep in this mess, mate. You’ve been talking to her for weeks now, clearly you’re invested. If you wanted out, you’d have stopped talking to her ages ago.”

Lando sighed again, realizing the truth in Max’s words. He hadn’t even thought about ending things with her. “Damn it, I guess you’re right,” he conceded, frustration in his tone. “I’m already in too deep, aren’t I?”

Max chuckled, patting Lando on the back. "That’s right, mate. You’re in 'too deep' alright. You've been acting like a lovesick puppy every time you message her. It's pathetic, but also sickening cute.”

Max smirked, amused at his friend’s predicament. “Well, you’ve got your Silverstone race next week. Maybe that’s a chance for you to see how things really are when you actually meet in person. Then you’ll know if this is worth pursuing or not.”

Lando nodded, his face set in a contemplative expression. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ll see how it goes when she comes to the race. If it feels off, I’ll end it. But I'm afraid it might be too late for that, I already fell for her I'm afraid.”

The day of the Silverstone Grand Prix finally arrived. I’d spent the morning getting ready, excitement and nerves bubbling up inside me. I checked my reflection one last time before grabbing my bag and heading out the door.

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yourusername An actual dream coming true 🏎️

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frienduser1 Girl is this why you weren't present in class today?

yourusername Maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️

frienduser2 Now how did you do that then

frienduser3 You could've atleast asked me to come with you 🤔

yoursername Sorry girl was a last minute typa thing 😬

bffuser Slay girl get that man

yourusername 🤫

frienduser2 @bffuser what are you hiding?

frienduser3 Yeah I would love to know that too 🤨

bffuser 🤐

With the sun high in the sky and the sounds of the race already starting to fill the air, I made my way to the circuit, following the signs and directions to the specific spot Lando had told me to meet him.

As I walked through the gates of the Silverstone Circuit, a sense of awe washed over me. The sights, sounds, and smells of a Grand Prix weekend surrounded me, and it was all so surreal. I had watched races on TV countless times before, but being there in person was a whole different experience.

The enormity of it all sunk in, making me feel both excited and slightly overwhelmed. It was one thing to see the action on a screen, but here I was, standing in the pit lane, surrounded by teams, cars, and the buzz of the event actually happening in front of me.

I continued to wander around, taking in everything. The mechanics working on the cars, the engineers huddled around strategy screens, and the drivers walking around with their confident strides, it was all so different from my usual life.

But what intrigued me most was the thought of seeing Lando in this environment, the stark contrast between the relaxed person I'd talked to countless times and the focused, professional driver he would become once he stepped into his car for the race.

I kept checking my phone, waiting for further instructions from Lando. He'd told me which area to meet him at, but I hadn't gotten any more specific details yet. I tried to distract myself by watching the practice sessions, but my mind kept wandering back to the thought of finally seeing Lando after weeks of just talking through a screen.

The practice sessions ended, and I still hadn't received any other instructions from Lando. I started to get a bit nervous, wondering if I was in the right spot or if something had come up with him. Just when I was about to reach for my phone again, I heard a familiar voice behind me.

"Hey, you looking for me?" Lando asked, his usual carefree grin on his face, looking slightly sweaty from the heat and the practice session.

I turned around, my heart skipping a beat at the sight of him. He looked every bit the professional racer standing there in his McLaren gear, but his familiar smile instantly made me feel more at ease.

"Lando! I was starting to wonder where you were," I replied, a mix of relief and excitement in my voice.

I was momentarily caught off guard when Lando suddenly opened his arms for a hug. But I quickly recovered, returning the gesture. His embrace was warm and firm, grounding me in the moment. We stepped back after a few seconds, both of us wearing grins.

"It's good to finally see you in person again," Lando said, his eyes crinkled with genuine happiness. "I can't believe you're actually here, at the race."

I chuckled, feeling a sense of disbelief myself. "Believe me, I can't believe it either. It feels surreal, being here in Silverstone, watching the race this close. And to think, I'm here because of you," I added, a hint of teasing in my tone.

Lando chuckled at that, seemingly enjoying the banter. "Well, what can I say? I have that effect on people." His playful confidence was undeniable.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes in mock annoyance. "Oh, don't get too big for your boots, Norris. I didn't come all this way just to inflate your ego."

He feigned shock at my words, a hand going to his chest dramatically. "How dare you! Are you saying my ego isn't already inflated enough?" Lando joked, his eyes sparkling with humor.

I let out a laugh. "Oh, it's plenty inflated, trust me. But seeing you in your element does inflate it just a bit more, doesn't it?" I teased back, enjoying the easy banter between us.

After some more light-hearted banter, the moment came when Lando was called back to his team for the pre-race preparations. He looked a bit reluctant to leave our conversation, but the responsibilities of being a racer were clear.

"I have to go," he said reluctantly, the shift in his demeanor noticeable. "They need me for the pre-race stuff. I'll be back after the race though, yeah?"

I nodded, understanding the necessity of his duties. "Go on, go do your thing. I'll be here, watching the race and cheering you on." I offered him an encouraging smile.

Lando returned the smile, a flicker of gratitude and something else in his eyes. "Thanks. And remember, if I win, you owe me an extra long chat tonight. Deal?"

I laughed, shaking my head at his request. "If you win, you get an extra long chat huh? But how about this? If you win, dinner will be on me."

Lando's eyebrows raised, intrigued by my counteroffer. "Dinner, huh? You know how to motivate a guy to drive faster, don't you?"

I shrugged, my tone light and playful. "Consider it incentive to win. Loser pays for the winner's meal, deal?" I held out my hand, waiting for his response.

Lando's eyes sparkled with a mixture of excitement and challenge. He took my hand, shaking it firmly. "Deal. Loser pays for dinner after the race. I better win then."

I winked, a confident smile on my face. "Just don't get too cocky now. I might surprise you, and you'll owe me a nice dinner."

Lando chuckled, clearly enjoying the banter and the friendly competition. "Just you wait and see."

The race was a whirlwind of tension and excitement, with each lap filled with nail-biting moments and heart-stopping turns. But finally, the race ended, and Lando emerged victorious.

I watched as he crossed the finish line, his car pulling into the pit, the radio buzzing with congratulations from his team. He made his way out of the car, helmet off, a satisfied but tired expression on his face as he spotted me waiting.

He jogged over to where I was standing, the adrenaline of his win still very clearly in his eyes. "Well, look who it is," Lando said, his tone filled with satisfaction and a hint of exhaustion. "Looks like I won. That means you owe me dinner, doesn't it?"

I put on a mockingly dramatic pout, playing along. "Oh, how will I ever recover from the shame of having to pay for a rich racing driver's meal?" I dramatically clutched my chest, feigning distress.

Lando laughed, the sound rich and carefree. "Come on, don't be a sore loser. You made the bet."

I sighed, pretending to give in. "Fine, fine. Loser pays. You drove a good race, I'll give you that. But don't get used to me paying for your food."

Lando's eyes twinkled with amusement. "Oh, I won't. But I'll definitely enjoy tonight's dinner, on your dime."

As we talked, the high of his victory was still palpable, but reality set in quickly. Lando was being called to attend his media duties, giving interviews and press conferences.

"I've got to go do all the media stuff, but wait for me in my room, alright? I won't take too long," Lando said, his expression still excited but a little distracted already.

I nodded, understanding that his responsibilities as a racer came first. "No worries, I'll wait in your room. Take your time with the interviews and stuff. I'll see you later."

Lando gave me a brief smile, a mix of gratitude and impatience. "I'll be there as soon as I can. See you later."

He quickly kissed me on the cheek before being whisked away by a member of his team, leaving me behind shocked after his little action but I quickly composed myself knowing I'm in public. I started walking to find my way to his room to wait.

As I was waiting in Lando's room, I heard a knock on the door. Expecting Lando, I called out, "Come in!"

But it wasn't Lando who entered, it was his best friend Max Fewtrell. I knew Max from the times Lando had talked about him, and I was surprised to see him. He too seemed to recognize me.

Max walked in, shutting the door behind him. He gave me a friendly smile. "You must be the girl Lando's been talking about," he said, his voice warm and amiable.

I smiled back, a bit embarrassed at the fact that Lando had been talking about me to his friends. "Yeah, that's me," I replied, feeling a bit nervous in the presence of Lando's best friend.

After Max and I started talking, he casually mentioned how Lando and I had gotten quite close lately. He then added, "Funny, I never expected Lando to go for a fan like this. He was a bit hesitant at first, worried you were going to take advantage of him or something."

His words shocked me. "Wait, what do you mean? He was concerned about me being a fan?" I asked, feeling a pang of hurt and confusion.

Max nodded, the honesty in his eyes clear. "Yeah, he was. Lando didn't want to admit it, but he was scared that you were just interested in him because he's a driver, that you weren't really into him for who he truly is."

I was taken aback, feeling the sting of doubt and hurt. "I can't believe he thought that," I managed to say, my voice soft. "I've been talking to him because I genuinely like him, not because he's a racing driver."

Max sighed, his voice softening. "I think he was just cautious, you know? He gets a lot of attention from fans, and he's had some bad experiences with people pretending to be something they're not. He didn't want that with you."

I was quiet for a moment, mulling over Max's words. A part of me understood Lando's worry. I could imagine the sorts of people he'd encountered, but it still hurt to know he had doubted my intentions all this time.

Max could see the mix of emotions on my face. "Look, Lando really likes you. He does. But he was just scared, that's all. He's been burned before, and he didn't want that to happen again. He didn't want to fall for someone who was only interested in his fame, and not in him as a person."

Max's phone rang suddenly, breaking our conversation. He checked the screen. "Ah, sorry, I gotta take this," he said apologetically. "Lando should be back soon, though. Just talk to him, alright?"

I nodded, managing a small smile. "Yeah, I will. Thanks, Max."

He gave me a comforting pat on the shoulder. "Good luck," he said before exiting the room to take his call.

Now left alone again, I was left with all the thoughts and feelings stirred up by my conversation with Max. Lando was on his way back, which only added to the whirlwind of emotions I was trying to sort through.

I leaned back against the wall, my thoughts chaotic. How could Lando have doubted me? Our connection felt genuine, didn't it? Was all of it just an illusion? Did he see me like just another fan of his? The idea filled me with confusion and hurt.

The sound of the door opening caught my attention, and Lando walked in, a smile still lingering on his face, his adrenaline from winning the race still evident. But as soon as he saw me, his expression faltered, replaced by a look of concern.

"Hey," Lando said, closing the door behind him. "Is everything okay? I just ran into Max, and he said that he talked to you before I got back. You seem upset."

I looked at him, the weight of my emotions clear on my face. "Yeah, Max spoke to me before he left. He told me a few things, about you being hesitant about us because I'm a fan, about you being worried I'm not interested in you but just in your career..."

Lando's expression changed from concern to a mixture of guilt and defensiveness. "That idiot," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. "Look, I can explain..."

I crossed my arms, waiting for him to continue. "Explain, then. Was Max right? Were you really worried about me being just another fan interested in your fame and not in you?"

Lando let out a heavy sigh, sitting down on the edge of the couch. "It's not that simple," he began, his voice unusually serious. "I've had my fair share of people using me for my career. You have no idea the number of people who pretend to care just because being with a driver comes with perks. It makes you wary, okay?"

I tried to understand his point of view, but it still hurt. "I understand that you've been through stuff with others, but you know I'm not like that. I've been nothing but honest and genuine with you. How could you doubt my intentions, especially after all we've discussed and shared?"

Lando looked at me, his eyes earnest. "I know, I know that now. I was just scared, alright? I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe, you were like the rest. It was stupid, I know, but I couldn't help how I felt."

I pursed my lips, my hurt feelings still not fully soothed. "It's not just stupid, it's hurtful. It makes me feel like you didn't trust me this whole time, like all the things we've shared and the connection we've made didn't matter."

Lando groaned, his face a picture of guilt and regret. "You're right, okay? I was an idiot. I should've trusted you from the start. I shouldn't have let my past experiences color my interactions with you. I'm sorry, really."

I sighed, his words offering some relief but not erasing all the hurt. "I want to believe you, Lando. But words are just words. How do I know you won't keep doubting me in the future? How can I trust that you truly believe I'm here for you, not your fame?"

Lando stood up, moving closer to me until he was standing right in front of me. He looked me straight in the eyes, his voice soft but firm. "I promise you, I won't doubt you again. I see now how wrong I was to question your intentions. And I realize that you are not just any fan. You're special, to me. I never should have let my own fears and insecurities cloud that."

His words were sincere, the remorse and regret clear in his eyes. But a part of me still felt hesitant. "How can I be sure, Lando? How do I know this won't happen again, that you won't second-guess me every time we have a disagreement or a bad day?"

Lando took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts before speaking. "Because, the truth is, I... I have feelings for you. Real feelings. Feelings I can't ignore or deny anymore. And the thought of losing you because I was too scared to trust is... terrifying. And I may always joke around and not take things serious but the feelings I have for you are real how cringy it may sound."

My heart skipped a beat at his words, my eyes widening in surprise. I had suspected he felt something for me, but hearing him confirm it so openly caught me off guard.

"You... you have feelings for me? Are you sure?" I asked hesitantly, not quite believing what I was hearing.

Lando nodded, his gaze unwavering. "I've never been more sure of anything. I tried to fight it, to ignore it, but I can't. I've feelings for you, and they're stronger than my own insecurities and fears. I'm sorry it took me so long to admit it, and I'm sorry for doubting you. But please, believe me. This is real for me. You're real for me."

I looked at him, searching his eyes for any sign of dishonesty. But all I saw was vulnerability, sincerity, and a deep, genuine affection. "I... I don't know what to say," I stuttered, still processing his confession.

Lando stepped closer, his hands gently resting on my arms, his touch sending a shiver down my spine. "You don't have to say anything right now," he said quietly. "Just... don't give up on me yet, okay? Let me show you that I mean what I say. Let me prove to you that I do trust you and that my feelings for you are real."

Without any more hesitation, I looked into Lando's eyes and let the truth spill out. "I have feelings for you too, Lando. I have for a while now. I never thought you'd feel the same way, so I tried to downplay my feelings, to make them seem less real than they were."

Lando's eyes widened at my confession, a mixture of surprise and relief on his face. "You do? You really do?" he asked, as if he needed to hear it more than once to believe it.

I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest. "Yes, I do," I confirmed, my voice filled with conviction. "And it makes what happened even more painful, knowing that you didn't trust me, that you thought I was just another fangirl."

Lando winced, the truth hitting him hard. "I was an idiot, I know. I should've just been honest from the start. I should've trusted my heart instead of letting my fears take over."

Lando looked at me, the guilt still evident in his eyes but mixed with hope now. "So... you forgive me?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

I took a moment to consider, thinking it over. "I do," I said finally. "I understand why you acted the way you did, even if it hurt. You've been hurt before, and it's hard to trust again after that."

The tension in the room lessened, and Lando let out a sigh of relief. Then he stepped closer, his hand gently lifting my chin. "Thank you," he murmured.

I could feel my heart rate increasing as his face moved closer to mine. His gaze was intense, filled with a mix of love and relief. Finally, he broke the remaining distance between us, his lips gently touching mine in a soft, lingering kiss.

The moment our lips met, it was like a spark ignited inside me. I felt a rush of emotions, a mix of relief, joy, and a deep affection for the man in front of me. I kissed him back, pouring all of my feelings into it, wanting him to truly understand how much I cared for him.

The kiss lasted for what felt like a sweet eternity, our lips moving against each other in a tender dance that expressed all the sentiments we both felt. When we finally pulled back, we were both breathless, our foreheads touching as we shared a look that was filled with newfound understanding and love.

After our heartfelt confession and that beautiful kiss, Lando looked at me, a small smirk on his face. "You know, we make quite a pair," he joked, his thumb brushing against my cheek. "A fan and a driver... pretty unconventional, huh?"

I laughed, swatting his hand away gently. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. Just wait until the news gets out. The tabloids will have a field day."

Lando chuckled, pulling me closer to his side. "Let them talk. As long as we're happy, does it really matter what they think?"

I smiled, leaning against him, feeling the warm, solid presence of his body next to mine. "Maybe you're right," I conceded, resting my head on his shoulder. "Besides, I think I kind of like being unconventional."

Lando wrapped his arm around my waist, his chin resting on top of my head. "Good, because I'm not sure traditional would suit us anyway," he teased, nuzzling my hair affectionately.

We stood there for a moment, enjoying each other's embrace, the world outside the room seeming a little less important in this small, private moment of ours.

Just as we were basking in our shared happiness, the door suddenly burst open, startling us both. Max stood in the doorway, a cheeky grin on his face.

"Well, well, well, look who finally figured things out," he teased, his tone light and playful.

Lando groaned, rolling his eyes before grabbing one of the pillows on the couch and throwing it at Max. "You couldn't knock, could you?"

Max dodged the pillow with a laugh, holding his hands up in surrender as he backed out of the room. "Okay, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone," he said, his voice filled with amusement.

Lando and I exchanged a look, both of us shaking our heads at Max's antics. We had a feeling he would be teasing us about this for a while.

After Max exited, closing the door behind him, Lando and I were left alone once more. We both started laughing at the absurdity of the situation, shaking our heads at the antics of Max.

As our laughter subsided, Lando looked at me, his expression soft and affectionate. "I'm still glad he walked in and forced us both to admit our feelings tho," he said, pulling me closer.

I nodded, a smile playing on my lips. "Me too. Max has always been a bit of a nudge, but he means well."

Lando wrapped his arms tighter around me, his chin resting on top of my head. "He's also going to be a huge pain in our asses, you know that, right?" he said, his voice amused.

I chuckled, leaning back into his embrace. "Oh, I'm fully aware," I agreed, a hint of resignation mixed with amusement in my tone. "We'll never hear the end of it from him."

Despite the inevitable banter we'd be subjected to in the coming days from Max and undoubtedly others, we both knew that it was worth it. Being able to hold each other like this, the weight of unspoken feelings lifted, made everything else seem secondary.

We stayed there, enjoying the quiet comfort of each other's company, both knowing that our unconventional love story was just beginning.

yourusername posted on Instagram!

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yourusername Crazy to think that it all started because of my clumsy self ☕️

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landonorris Never been happier with someone spilling coffee on my shirt! Love you gorgeous ❤️ by author

yourfrienduser So this is what you've been up to huh 🤔

bffuser Slay girl my bestie is a wag y'all

yourusername Girl chill 🤣

yourfrienduser2 Alright girlie I see you, I would ditch uni for that reason too 🫡

ln4youlover Is this the girl he was seen with last time?

carlando554x4ever Yeah that's her it was confirmed by Lando on his insta

formulaonemaniac4 They're so cute together!

lalalando4youx She was his fan first y'all, do you know what that means?

landosbrokennose4 It means I have a chance with Lewis Hamilton

forformula81 Yeah no chill all of you 😳

landonorris posted on Instagram!

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landonorris There's nothing better then geting P1 in my home race, with the best support I could ask for!

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yourusername So so so proud of you Lan ❤️ by author

maxfewtrell Still haven't got my credit for helping

landonorris oh shush mate 🙄

calossainz55 Well done cabrón!

landonorris Thanks mate!

danielricciardo Yeah we have much to talk about mate

landonorris 👀

81osclvr Brb going to sleep on the highway today 🙃

lnqdformulaone They're honestly the cutest thing ever

love4ln4shoes The fact that she was his fan made me more delulu 🤭

forwarverstappen1 This isn't some kind of fanfiction girl 💀

love4ln4shoes Let a girl dream damn 🫤

The end

[dontsupressthejess]

Lions and Music (pt.3)

MV/LN x Reader

Just something floating in my head tonight. Yn is a singer/actress who's laptop with unreleased songs is stolen. The songs are about people in her life. Past. Present and foreseeable future?

See what happens when they begin to get leaked and her fans and haters get an even closer look at her life through her music.

Also of course it’s Formula1 related! :)

Warnings!!

This is for Mature readers! 18 over preferably!!

I own NONE of the songs included.

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

Also, CONGRATS Lando Norris!! Pole Position! New Lap Record!!! Lets get this win tomorrow!

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

Celebrity Gossip Mag Jan. 2024

The saddest moment we can recall in covering all things Yn/Ln..

It's only been a week since the last one but another leak is out, this one is bittersweet. We all know Yn is one of the nicest people ever when it comes to her fans, she always spares time for them, always has a smile for them. Everyone in the media world can confirm that we always describe her as the happiest person in the room. But with this new song we see a different side to Yn - one im not sure we should've been allowed to see. This song though devastatingly beautiful -- was a personal moment for her. All her songs are moments for her. Moments we have been enjoying without taking into account how she could be feeling about all this. For that we are truly sorry Yn/Ln. We did reach out to her team with a personal apology and a promise to end the coverage on the leaks. But Yn told us to keep it going-- "I really appreciate it truly, but the songs are gonna come out until we find the person or persons responsible. Other media outlets are covering it. It's gonna happen, you guys haven't trashed me in any way. I'm okay with it, and im okay." (we were given permission to quote her on this.)

So we will continue with covering the leaks with her blessing. That being said this leak was a bit different. The first two were full produced songs at the ready for albums when she decided, if ever to release.

This one is a voice recording. A uninterrupted, unedited, raw sound of Yn sharing her idea for the song to her producer. Hearing the emotion in her voice during this we know whomever it is about meant a lot to her and it doesn't seem to have ended well. We have our suspicions of course but to who ever you are… wow, we're glad you couldn't break her. Because our queen is thriving now!

To our fans here at CGM and to fans of Yn/Ln we're wishing you a great day. Have a listen if you haven't already and join our group therapy session in the comments below.

LEAKED SONG INCOMING

MY BOY ONLY BREAKS HIS FAVORITE TOYS(PHONE AUDIO) - YN/LN

"hey so um this is kinda an abnormal structure but it think it can be really cool this way and just it sounds sad cause its on piano and im sad in general but it's um gotta have like a driving synth beat or whatever….

Oh, here we go again. The voices in his head Called the rain to end our days of wild The sickest army doll Purchased at the mall Rivulets descend my plastic smile But you should've seen him When he first got me

My boy only breaks his favorite toys I'm queen of sand castles he destroys

Cause it fit too right Puzzle pieces in the dead of night Should've known it was a matter of time Oh, my boy only breaks his favorite toys

There was a litany of reasons why We could've played for keeps this time I know I'm just repeating myself Put me back on my shelf But first - Pull the string And I'll tell you that he runs Because he loves me. Cause you should've seen him When he first saw me. My boy only breaks his favorite toys I'm queen of sand castles he destroys Cause I knew too much There was danger in the heat of my touch He saw forever so he smashed it up Oh, my boy only breaks his favorite toys Once I fix me, he's gonna miss me Once I fix me, he's gonna miss me Just say when, I'd play again He was my best friend Down at the sandlot I felt more when we played pretend Than with all the Kens Cause he took me out of my box Stole my tortured heart Left all these broken parts Told me I'm better off But I'm not I'm not I'm not.

…and i think you can just end it like that."

985,997 likes 856,926 comments

@ynOwnsme: My sad queen. my heart is breaking for her. @Y/nsNumber1: I cried ugly tears the whole time. @user5984: Fuck you @lando Norris @inchidentbabe: @user5984 we dont know if its about him!!!! @user4535324: all this girl does is whine. put your mouth to better use. @CelebrityGossipMag: @user4535324 Short dick man. @papayagirl:the breaks in her voice @anon5950: no idea she could play an instrument @anonomous55: not gonna lie i wasn't a fan before but the songs coming out have been bops this one hurt though @user632543: yn/ln just know we love you and are with you @verstappenswhore: Can i just say how awesome it is that @CelebrityGossipMag reached out and was gonna stop coverage! respect! @user696969:soooo this just proves i was right about her using her moans in PORNSTAR she has audio recordings of song ideas!!! not a leap that she recorded her and her man doing the nasty and used it! just saying. @ynFanpage12: @user696969 read the room (…but you right)

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She sat out on the balcony with an empty glass of wine. How could she forget that one. She was a month in to her breakup when she wrote that. Everyone was going to see how he broke her. Before him she was never one to let a guy bring her down. She would end things the second a red flag appeared in her vision. Clean break - she was out. What made him so special. So worth it in her eyes she let herself fall away. She couldn't even tell you if he hurt her on purpose. Sometimes it just seemed he didn't know how to be in a relationship, didn't know the pain he could cause by letting girls hang all over him in front of her, seeing the pictures that would come out of his nights out with friends, arms around girls that weren't her. Telling her she was reading to much into it. Maybe she hurt herself more than he ever hurt her, but she thought she was in love and she was holding on for dear life, to keep them together. They both had crazy lives but she thought it could work, she knew it could. Until life had to slap her in the face to finally see what he had become. He was so sweet, till he wasn't. Maybe the fame changed him or maybe he was finally letting her see him. Either way, it was a tough way to find out the boy you loved was seeing another girl.

--flashback--

"Im on my way to him now! No, he doesn't know a thing. I wasn't supposed to be in for another 2 days but i wrapped up early and the studio agreed i was good to go." She said with a smile. Sitting in the back of a sleek black car, being driven around the beautiful streets of Monaco.

"…yeah i cant wait to see him. He's about to be really busy with the season starting soon so i want to spend as much time with him as i can…..okay, just let me know when you get in, we can go over all that when he has his meetings, i just got to his - gotta go. Love you Neal"

The car pulled up to his building and she was off. She only had a duffle bag with her essentials - the rest of her things she would have Neal bring in. She walked up to the entrance just as one of his neighbors was leaving, recognizing her they smiled and let her in. Her surprise arrival would go better than she thought.

Taking the left up to his floor she couldn't help but fell warmth spread through her. She couldn't wait to see that smile, those unruly curls.

She could hear voices at his door, his friends were over probably playing video games. She knew how that could go. Getting out her key he had given her she let herself in and walked down the hall toward the voices, about to call out to him.

She stopped cold as a new voice, a new sound, cut through his friends conversation.

A girl.

A girl, moaning.

Laughter erupted from the boys sat around the tv. They hadn't noticed her coming up from behind them just yet.

"He keeps this up he's gonna kill the poor girl ay" she couldn't tell you who said it. But they all laughed, big proud smiles upon their faces.

She stayed in her spot, keys and bag still in hand. To her right a door opened, a person stepping out from the bathroom. She turned and caught his eyes. He froze in the doorway when he caught sight of her. Disappointment in his face, he was about to step to her when another noise cut through to her.

"Landoooo" the girl moaned out.

Her tears hit the floor before the house keys did. She saw Max step toward her, reaching out his hand. His friends in the room turning to see what had fallen. Finally seeing her, Tears on her cheeks, mouth open in shock.

Before Max could touch her she was gone - turning on her heel, out the door to the lift she ran. The sounds of another girl calling out her boyfriends name fading and echoing at he same time.

--flashback end--

[sweetkpopmusings]

miserable (you & me) | h. hyunjin <3

a/n: i have had these blurbs in my drafts FOREVER. "miserable (you & me)" is a song i've had on repeat since it dropped. i'm also a sucker for angst, so please enjoy these self-indulgent posts (they all have happy endings, i promise!) there will be one for each member, so stay tuned <3 pics not mine~

content: angst, happy ending | wc: 1k | warnings: none really! | pairing: hyunjin x gn!reader | requests:open

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

난 가망이 없는 미래에 손을 뻗어 날 부었네 / “i stretched out my hand towards a hopeless future and poured myself out”

of course it would be raining right now. the day’s weather had been normal, a smattering of clouds above and an overcast glow hinting that the weather might take a turn for the worse, but nothing was set in stone. that turned out to be true in a more literal sense, hyunjin realized, while watching people mill about on the street below with freshly opened umbrellas. he scoffed. what did you think would happen? what did you think would change?

the answer was nothing. but i had no choice.

you and hyunjin met up for your usual weekend get-together, returning to a favorite drink spot of yours after a few weekends of schedules keeping you apart. he had missed you so dearly, something that became achingly clear when his whole body lit up from seeing your face peek through the entrance. you noticed the buzz in his body when he greeted you, a sweet laugh escaping your lips. hyunjin’s heart melted at the sound, collapsing even more into endearment when you said, “i missed you a ton, too.”

a moderate number of people took up the tables and seats in the building, so there was a comfortable hum of casual conversation surrounding you. hyunjin, as always, was so closely tuned into the sound of your voice, he would’ve believed you if you said the place was completely empty. it was clichéd for sure, but he was enraptured by every single thing you said. he loved listening to all your thoughts, stories, jokes, anecdotes; whatever you were willing to share with hyunjin, he’d accept with open and grateful hands. you both laughed as you finished telling him an embarrassing story your friend shared with you the other day, and, so you could take a sip of your drink, you asked hyunjin, “how are you?”

without skipping a beat, hyunjin answered, “i’ve liked you for the longest time.”

seeing as that was quite the unexpected answer to your question, you froze. your brain buffered, face showing barely any expression, except maybe shock or confusion. hyunjin, perhaps realizing what just occurred, reacted with wide eyes and frantic apologies. if his confession hadn’t stopped you so sharply in your tracks, the endless refrain of i’m so sorry! i don’t know why i did that. i’m so stupid! would have drowned out the words he spoke so naturally. you didn’t have time to process, but you tried to protest against hyunjin’s incessant apologies. this, it seemed, was fruitless.

hyunjin, with shaking legs and fumbling hands, gathered his things. 

“hyunjin, what’re you–”

“i should go, y/n,” he responded quickly, too quickly for him to mean it.

your heart broke at the way his voice cracked when he said your name, “no, just stay for a minute. please, i–”

his chest tightened when please fell from your lips, but he couldn’t bear the idea of you begging him to stay, only to tell him you didn’t feel the same. yes, it was immature, and, sure, it was probably selfish. yet all hyunjin could think to do was leave. so he did, his goodbye all staggered breaths and darting eyes.

you turned in your chair, barely catching his gaze as he raced to who knows where, “hyunjin?”

his eyes caught yours, and he ripped them away before he lost his foolish resolve. he hoped he offered you a soft smile, something to say i’m sorry for this. i just want you to be happy, and i guess this is me trying to make sure you stay that way. the adrenaline rush meant he couldn’t feel his face, though. he had no way of knowing what he looked like when he looked back at you. 

hyunjin’s whole trip home consisted of pleas for his legs to move faster. if his steps hit the ground hard enough, he could ignore all the scolding voices inside his head until he was safe in his room. if he were honest with himself, he was outrunning the look of shock on your face, and the way your voice fell when you asked him to stay. hyunjin, as he caught his breath in his room, realized that running away from you meant he ended up in front of his window, facing a future of heartbreak. a sardonic laugh broke free from his lips. maybe if you did it the right way, at the right moment, you’d be looking at them instead. maybe you’d be thinking of something other than angsty plotlines for the strangers passing by on the street below. 

“or maybe i could be hurt much worse,” he whispered to himself. 

that was the last sound that shared space with hyunjin in the room. he sat, mind racing and leg bouncing, completely silent. until someone knocked on the door.

hyunjin shuffled to the entryway, instinctively opening it at a familiar knock, only coming to when he saw you standing before him. of course, no matter how hard he tried, his body would always end up right in front of you.

ignoring the way his deflated figure twisted your chest up in all the worst ways, you chided, “you know it’s rude to confess to someone and leave immediately after, right? you didn’t give me a chance to respond.”

you huffed as you spoke. hyunjin couldn’t help the endeared smile that graced his face when he watched your frustrated, furrowed brow turn into a cute, unintentional pout. 

he thought, they are more precious to me than they’ll ever know, and he admitted, “you’re right. it was very rude of me. while i may not deserve to hear it after the way i acted, would you mind telling me what you were going to say?”

your shoulders relaxed as the familiar shine in hyunjin’s eyes returned. his beautiful smile came back too, as he watched your face light up with a reply he’d only ever dreamed of before.

“i like you too, hyunjin. i have for the longest time.”as though his hands weren’t shaking from anxiety a mere five minutes before this moment, hyunjin reached out to you, pulling you into his home and into his arms. when you accepted his invitation and melted into his embrace, hyunjin thought, i’ll pour my heart out to them again and again, if it means we’ll always end up right here, together.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[ever-eilish]

Could you do Billie Eilish asking r out

A (not so) bad day

billie eilish x fem! reader

a day that is supposed to be horrible takes unexpected turns, after you accidentally bump into a certain singer

author's notes: thank you so much for requesting, I really appreciate it! sorry if this is not what you wanted, I really hope you like it though! once again, english is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes, enjoy❤️

warnings: a bit of cursing, but mostly fluff

Chaotic. That was the only way to define today. You know that saying that 'nothing is so bad that it cant get worse'? So, that saying has proven true today.

I woke up 30 minutes late, spilled the coffee in my white clothes, missed the bus, and now I'm here, standing in front of the bland beige door, waiting for my boss to decide to call me to give me some more of his scolding.

Bad luck. That's the only word that can describe my day, or rather, my week.

Everything that could go wrong, did;

I'm in the midst of a series of catastrophic events ranging from the simplest, like knocking my butter breakfast bread to the floor — with the butter-covered part facing down, of course — to the more serious, like being threatened with losing my job by my annoying, weird boss.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I see the door in front of me open and the middle-aged man walk out of the room - which looks more like a chain saddle.

"Well, well, it looks like you've decided to be late again?" the wretch says.

As if I'd choose to miss my bus, spill coffee on my white blouse, and wake up late.

"That way I'll have no option but to fire you," he repeats the same words he's been saying to me for so long.

Son of a bitch.

"Sir, please! I promise it won't happen again, I love my job!" I lied.

"I'm sorry, but you're officially fired," he announces, as if announcing me as an Oscar winner. I take a deep breath, count to a thousand, take another deep breath and, with all the calmness in the world, say: "FUCK YOU!" I throw my badge on the floor, and walk towards the office door, ignoring all the crooked looks directed at me, and leave that musty-smelling place.

I didn't even like it there!

My God, how am I going to pay my bills? Fuck that old cuckold.

Fuck that old-man

Oh my God, I'm going to have to sell my computer.

I hated my. co-workers anyway.

My God, my computer.

All thoughts were running. through my head in a whirlwind when suddenly I bump into someone in front of me and fall to the ground.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED!

Without even noticing who it was, I quickly stand up muttering something like, 'I'm sorry'; and I offer my hand to the stranger sitting on the floor.

And it is at that moment that, with my hand outstretched, I begin to notice the victim of my lack of attention.

The stranger wore a black blouse with white stripes — or white with black stripes - and black shorts. Her beautiful hair had the roots dyed red, while the rest was dark brown.

I could have sworn I knew her from somewhere.

It's very sudden when I feel her warm touch on my hand - which remained stretched - and I feel the girl partially throw her weight on me to get up.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I should be more careful" she says, with an embarrassed smile.

"I'm the one who apologizes! I've been walking around thinking about nothing and ! ended up bumping into you" I say,

scratching the back of my neck.

"Are you okay? You hit it really hard against the floor" was only when the girl tells me that I notice my throbbing hip.

"I'm great!" I lied knowing full well that the last thing I was in right now was 'great'. "Hm, so, you live here?" the stranger says, acting as if she wants to continue a conversation.

I don't have anything better to do, after all, why not talk?

"No! I live in my house," say, internally cursing myself for the terrible attempt at a joke.

Anyway, she laughed, and I felt my. embarrassment soon go away when I heard the good sound of that laughter.

"Oh got it, you're the funny type, then?"

she asks me, clearly joking.

"That's what they say"

We stare at each other for a while when very quietly, I hear the click of a camera. The girl seems to hear the same thing as I do, when she suddenly grabs my arm and pulls me nto the convenience store next to us.

What the fuck is going on?

She pulls me further into the store and 'hides' behind a food rack.

Holy shit, is she being followed?

My God, could it be that she's a serial killer and I recognized her because of that?

Holy shit, I'm too young to die.

What if...

I am interrupted from my mental breakdown at the sound of his voice.

"Hm, I'm sorry about that. You know how it is, right? Paparazzi are everywhere."

My God, I was right.

She's a serial killer and I'm her next victim. "Are you going to kill me?" my eyes widen as I ask.

"What?" she says to me, visibly confused, "my. name is Billie! I'm a singer."

I let myself take a deep breath when I hear what Billie tells me. Well, at least I won't die today.

"Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you, and I wanted to meet you again" she says, looking deep into my eyes "what do you think about going to a coffee shop with me one of these days?"

Is she asking me out on a date?

"Like a date?"

"Yes!"

"I want to!" I reply promptly, and watch as she rummages through her purse for a pen.

"Here!" She finally finds a blue fine-tipped pen, pulls out my hand, and writes something.

Before I can process what was happening, I feel a small kiss being left on my cheek and watch her walk out of the store with her head down.

When I look into my hand, I read:

"Cafeteria 221B, Baker Street;

03/22, at 9:00 pm.

See ya<3"

Maybe today wasn't such a bad day after all.

[martinblackwoodhaterfan]

Love these blogs (yours & martinblackwoodhater's)

I got into TMA backwards. It's the first podcast I ever listened to, but it seemed daunting at first. MAG200 had just released & tumblr was up in arms about it... I heard the ending of MAG200 first before knowing anything else about it. I wanted to get into it, but 200 episodes seemed like a hell of a commitment at the time.

So what did past me do but read fanfiction first to get an idea of the content. HDJDHDHD

It did not prepare me for how far fans of Martin have to stretch to really make him kind & compassionate... because the guy is a prick in the podcast. Like did we listen to the same thing ? fanon Martin is lovely, I wish there was a trace of him in the actual show lmao...

I hate, hate, hate him in season 5. My main gripe is that we had NO time between jmart in season 4 & then suddenly they're thrust into this relationship... where it is so apparent they know nothing about each other.

Martin has never been able to tell when Jon is making a joke, even before season 5... which makes the fact that he still Can't even worse. They don't really banter, it's more them arguing about Jon's decisions... his hypocrisy also drives me up the wall.

It's so clear he doesn't trust Jon at all !! & not only that, he wields him like a gun.. but also has the audacity to say he can't "be that for him" in terms of Jon & the statements...

like sorry Martin.. maybe you'd know about his new needs if you actually bothered to be around him in Season 4. Getting to know what's happening to him instead of isolating yourself for his "protection."

And the... hgghhghh... what do you mean "I take back my apology"? fuck youuu. goddd.

you know how Jude is like. "You've finally got a sniff of power & now you want to settle some old scores." i feel that is true for both of them, but the only means Martin has of that is Jon. it feels so much like he's only using him for his benefit/protection instead of being a loving partner. & it isn't even framed to be unhealthy so it's just. WEIRD.

....

It hurts to be a queerplatonic jondaisy truther. I loved their dynamic in season 4... they were both so isolated & yet they went through something.. beyond traumatic together. they were both seen as monsters (though Daisy was treated like a liability which served for her isolation). They actually spent time together !!! more than jon & fucking martin !!

JON & GERRY HAD MORE CHEMISTRY IN ONE EPISODE THAN JMART IN THE WHOLE PODCAST !!!!

anyways - thank you for reading my rant. HDJDHD

Getting into TMA fandom-first sounds like an absolute nightmare. I'm sorry.

I think that since Martin was a very simple character from the beginning - bland shy guy with no real flaws - fans held on to that vision of him, which in turn made them completely overlook any nuance that might've been there. They only noticed those moments that fit their image of the man - Martin bringing tea on their apocalyptic hike, Martin accidentally calling Jon adorable - and overlooked those that weren't so sugary sweet - Martin refusing to acknowledge Jon's needs and frankly anything the man said, Martin not caring about anything that doesn't involve him directly.

I'm not gonna say more since it seems you share my point of view and I would be just repeating myself. JonDaisy is a great ship, same with JonGerry, but that is also because every single ship with Jon is better than the canon one. Almost all of the cast had more in common with Jon than he had with Martin

[wonderland-smile-stories]

~ Chapter 1. 05 ~

I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes and how poorly written this fanfic is. English is not my first language and together with my dyslexia ass things can go wrong I'm sorry.

Quickly I turned around and to my surprise, I saw Hyun-su closing the door with a bang.

We were both taking deep breaths from what just had happened. His back was facing me, but I could tell that he probably had the same scared expression on his face as me.

Both too scared that the girl would hear us we stood there in silence looking at the door. A yelp left my mouth when his doorbell went off together with both of us jumping out of fear.

"Excuse me, are you in?" The voice sounded like the girl's normal voice again.

Maybe that thing wasn't her.

My legs were trembling while I tried to take normal breaths, but the only breaths that came out were short ones.

"Please help me. I'm so scared, please help me." Her voice sounded like she was genuinely terrified.

"Is anybody home? Please help me." Her voice pleaded.

"Hello, please help me." She cried hoping we would hear her.

My breath hitched when Hyun-su took a step to the phone that was on the wall together with the little monitor. I watch as he grabs it with a shaky hand, bringing it slowly to his ear. The screen turned on showing us that it was just the normal girl from earlier today.

"H..hallo? Are you okay?" Hyun-su asked shakingly.

A look of relief washed over the girl's face before she spoke.

"You're home." She said with a sigh of relief and a little smile at the end.

"Did something happen?"

I walked closer to Hyun-su looking over his shoulder at the monitor.

"I just came home, and the door was wide open, and it was a mess inside." Her voice was shaky like she was ready to burst into tears at any second.

"And my cat is gone." She let out a little cry before continuing.

"A...and the floor, it was covered in blood." That must have been the blood I saw in the hallway.

"Please, help me!" She cried out.

I felt bad for her and if that thing was still out there it could get her, but something felt off. The whole time she had been talking the knot in my stomach grew. I had sworn that the voice I heard, in the beginning, was her's. Yet if it was really her she had to look completely different than how she was now.

Hyun-su said that he would call the police to help because we both didn't know what to do about this.

"Can't you stay with me?" She pleaded desperately.

The moment Hyun-su put the phone against his ear a high pitch soon came through it. Quickly I took my phone while I heard him muttering 'What is this?' With shaky fingers, I dialed the number, but the moment I put it against my ear the same high-pitched sound came through.

With a scared frown on my face, I looked back up and saw Hyun-su looking at me. I shook my head, letting him know that I had the same results as him.

The both of us look back at the screen when the woman let a out whaling sound pleading with us to let her in. My heart stopped beating when I saw Hyun-su looking at the door, thinking he wanted to open it.

Quickly I grabbed his arm before whispering.

"Don't, something’s wrong."

For a few seconds, he looks at me with a scared look before turning back to the screen.

"Well....... Can you show me your arms?"

I was confused as to why he asked that, questioning what this had to do with this.

The girl's expression changed to a surprised one.

"What?"

"Your arms. Show me your arms." He repeated now a bit louder.

"What did you say?" My heart stopped beating for a second when she spoke with a more sinister voice than before.

"Your arms. Show me your arms. Show me."

Her whole demeanor changed when he was done talking.

"I told you to open the door! Open it!"

My hand grabbed the back of Hyun-su's shirt trying to hold myself up from my shaky legs. Acting crazier than before she screamed louder coming closer to the camera while blood came ozing out her nose. An eerie laugh filled the atmosphere together with a loud banging on the door.

I was hoping that the door was strong enough to hold her out. She kept on screaming while cursing at us when suddenly music was coming from above us. Apparently, she heard it too because she began to laugh again before creepingly walking away and kept saying she was hungry.

Whoever was playing the music just saved our lives.

"Oh no."

I breathe out after I recognize the melody.

"Ji-su!"

Without wasting any time I ran to the door.

"Hey, wait!"

Hyun-su grabbed my arm pulling me back before I could reach the doorknob.

"I have to go! My friend, she's in danger!" I said with an anxious voice and shaky hands.

"Yo....you'll die before you can reach her." He did have a point, but I didn't care I didn't want to lose someone else.

"I can't just do nothing!" I pleaded hoping he would understand and let me go.

With a scared look on his face, he looked down at me before letting me go. Grabbing a mop from the wall he smacked it against a corner breaking the mop part off. I was totally confused about what he wanted to do with it until he walked past me to the door.

I wanted to speak up, but before I could he yanked the door open letting out a scream, and ran into the hallway. For a moment I just stood there surprised and confused by his behavior with frown brows before shaking my head, following after him. I stopped walking when I heard him talk to someone before continuing to, making sure it wasn't the girl.

The moment I came from behind the corner I saw Hyun-su fall down onto the dirty ground.

What the hell?

My eyes traveled back up and saw a man standing there in a light brown suit, with one side of his face covered in burn marks. I opened my mouth to say something, but honestly, I didn't know what to say. The man looks up with an unbothered look.

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"What?! No?! I just met him today! Besides, just because a boy and a girl hang out together doesn't mean their boyfriend en girlfriend!" I quickly rambled on shaking my head at him.

"He helped me escape from a crazy girl that wanted to kill me." I kneeled down next to Hyun-su making sure that he was still alive and didn't die out of shock and fear.

"He said something about crazy a woman as well." The man casually said.

I wanted to ask him who he was because I hadn't seen him here before when I remembered Ji-su.

"Shit!"

I stood up debating if I had the leave Hyun-su here and go to Ji-su risking my own life. My gaze went back to the man who was about to walk away.

"Hey, sir! Can you go upstairs and check on a friend of mine? I'm sure that woman went after her when she heard the music. I would go myself, but." I pointed at Hyun-su telling him I couldn't leave him behind.

The man looks up from him giving me a stern look before letting out a groan and turning around. I watch as he goes upstairs leaving me behind on my own.

Well, not really on my own.

I look down at Hyun-su's unconscious body letting out a loud sigh. Knowing I had to get him back to his room, I kneeled down and put my arms underneath his armpits trying to lift him up without letting him fall.

Jesus, this boy is taller than me and I'm here dragging him around.

With a few groans and curse words, I reached his apartment safely. First I dragged him inside before closing the door quickly afterward. I didn't want to risk leaving it open with that woman still running around here. Gathering my last strength I picked him up again and dragged him further into the room. After I placed him down, I took a seat on the ground taking deep breaths.

I'm not in shape like I used to be before. I looked up at the ceiling trying to see if Ji-su was okay or not. The music had stopped when I came back into the room, but it was oddly quiet up there. Maybe the woman went down instead of up. I was just hoping that Ji-su was alright. I know that she can take care of herself, but seeing how that woman looks I don't know if anyone can take her down without a few shotgun blasts.

I stood up looking around.

There wasn't much to do for me here, but I also couldn't just leave him here alone. Biting my nails, I began to walk back and forth thinking about what the hell was happening with the world. Was this really the end of the world? Honestly, I didn't want it to end this way, but then there is a part of me that would happen that it is.

I jerked back when there was a knock on the door.

Is the girl fucking back?

There was another knock making me more anxious than I already was. I grab the stick that Hyun-su had earlier from the ground, keeping a tight grip on it before making my way to the door. There was another knock, but a voice soon followed.

"Mi-na? Are you in there?"

Ji-su?

I wanted to open the door, but what if it was something else again? I looked through the peephole and saw her standing there with a baseball bat in her hands. Nervously she was looking around trying to see if something was there.

"Ji-su? Is that really you?"

Her head snapped back to the door when she heard my voice.

"Yeah, open up! It gives me the creeps standing out here with that crazy bitch on the loose." I let out a sigh of relief.

That was definitely something she would say.

Hurriedly, I open the door letting her in. I wanted to close the door behind her, but a hand stopped it, making me panic.

Quickly I looked up and saw that it was the man from earlier. Without saying anything I let him inside. The moment I had closed the door and turned around she threw her arms around me.

"Thank God you're okay."

I wanted to say something, but she was squeezing me a little too hard to breathe.

"Ji-su.....air.... please," I mutter out.

She let go of me saying a small sorry.

"I'm glad you are also fine. I thought that it would have killed you!" She quickly shook her head.

"She absolutely wanted to, but she didn't get in my apartment."

Thank God.

I have never thought these old doors would be this strong.

I turn around and see the man kneeling next to Hyun-su.

"He hasn't woken up yet." His voice was stern and most people would immediately think he could be a gangster, together with his looks and intimidating gaze, but I didn't think he was.

In our town, there were a lot of gangs and bad people. Some even came over to discuss something with Miss Ward. I don't know what it was or why someone who runs an orphanage would make deals with people like them, but every time they came a bad feeling filled the house. So by now, I should know the difference. 

"Uhm, no."

The man let out a groan standing up before walking to the door.

"Stay here."

Was the only thing he said before leaving the room.

"He seems charming," Ji-su said looking back at me.

"Yeah totally prince charming," I mutter out, sitting down on the mattress with my back against the wall.

I began to play with my fingers looking up at the door.

"So what now?" She asked walking to Hyun-su, poking him with the bat to see if she gets a response.

"Just like he said. Stay here and wait. What else can we do?" She sat down on the ground next to Hyun-su letting out a groan.

"This is all so fucked up."

I chuckle looking down at my hands.

"Tell me about it."

For a few minutes, we just sat there in silence until groans came from Hyun-su's mouth.

"I think he's having a bad dream."

I moved closer to see if she was right and indeed it looked like he was having one.

Ji-su put her hand on his forehead feeling as if he had a fever, I think?

"Why is he so cold?" A frown came on her face and I quickly replaced her hand with mine to feel for myself. 

"I don't know," I whispered looking up at her.

The both of us looked up when we heard a door slam shut, followed by footsteps. To my surprise, Ji-su stood up and began to walk to the door.

"Where are you going?!" I hissed standing up.

"Stay here, okay? I'll come back if it's safe and with help for him." I didn't want her to go and put herself in danger.

Ji-su is an impatient person who doesn't like to wait around. I swallow thickly watching her walk out the door.

"Ji-su!" I managed to yell before the door was completely closed.

"Yeah?" She asked poking her head back inside.

"Please be careful."

She gave me a big smile nodding her head.

"Don't worry about me, you're the younger one I should be worried about you."

I smile nodding my head.

She gave me one last wave before disappearing behind the closed door.

I turned back around and saw that Hyun-su's computer had turned on. Jisu must have bumped into it when she stood up. I made my way to it ready to close it when my eyes saw the words appearing on the screen.

"Monsters? Stated of alert? Nosebleed?" I whisper out loud.

Previous Chapter ~ Next Chapter

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw invalidation/being called a liar, people witnesses the abuse but telling a diff story and idk what I’m looking for really

How could my abuser have done things that caused me rage and grief and there were multiple witnesses but I’m so confused why they take my abusers side and tell me im both faking being the victim and making things up. How can I tell it I’m making things up? How can I tell if im abused or not? Victim or abuser? I think hard about this often and question maybe I genuinely am faking being the victim and im twisting events. Multiple witnesses I thought were seeing what I was seeing but they said they didn’t see the things I remember telling my abuser bout that I think they were doing at the time… and they even went as far as saying I was the abuser. I don’t know what to say or think. How can I tell if I’m making things up or manipulating myself into believing I’m the victim? How can I tell what behaviors are valid reactions to a person and what behaviors are abusive or instigating? With little memory to go off of idk if I just dreamt certain things as a kid and remembered it or idk what’s going on. Idk how to sort through everything.

I did find out though that certain witnesses were creating lies and I managed to actually find this out and see the curated lies/stories they made up to side with my abuser so that’s about 2 witnesses canceled and out. I won’t go through the whole details but that’s it. These two people are child abusers and definitely not trustworthy esp after being caught curating lies…

But the rest of the witnesses seem like normal people and haven’t proven themselves to be a liar or an honest person so I wouldn’t know why they took my abusers side. I’m saying abuser but idek if that’s who she is.

How can I actually tell?

It got to points where my abuser would do something she knew I hated and she knew was crossing a line I drew for myself bc I’d really make myself clear, and I’d say something cruel to her out of pure anger in the moment and every adult around me would go “HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CANT SAY CRUEL THINGS JUST STOP BULLYING, APOLOGIZE NOW” which made me feel like I was constantly given the responsibility of making all this stop but every time id try to stop the issues b/t me and her I seemed to only make things worse, I’d say something I’d regret and again, the cycle repeats of me having to apologize which I did, and then be responsible for this and stop what’s happening which I thought I tried but I had no control to stop it bc I can’t control my abusers actions but I can control mine, but I had a terrible time controlling mine which I apologized for every time but now I feel like I’m just using a victim complex…. I feel I tried to stop things but I feel it was so difficult part of the responsibility seemed out of my hands.

-🥩

Hi 🥩,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through. While I don't fully know what happened, it sounds like your abuser purposefully gets a rise out of you, and then witnesses often miss the context and antagonize you solely off your reaction. This is known as reactive abuse. It's also possible that, for the people who seem to think that you were the abuser even if they witnessed it themselves, they may have normalized abuse in their own lives or perhaps they're abusers themselves, which could be why they fail to recognize the situation for what it truly is.

I don't think you necessarily have to apologize for your reactions because 1) you are reserved some grace because you're doing what you feel is necessary to survive in the moment even if it doesn't completely make sense and 2) your abuser is no less to blame, no matter what you do in response. But I also think that if you feel apology is appropriate then I think it's possible to balance taking accountability for your own behavior while simultaneously condemning your abuser's. Because when you get in the habit of apologizing for your reactions to the abuse, it can be easy for that to grow into enabling the abuse to continue as well (which is often the goal of people who deliberately take your reactions out of context).

When you're exposed to gaslighting, victim-blaming, DARVO, or antagonization, it can be easy to question yourself, your narrative, and whether or not you were the abuser. Determining whether or not you're making things up or whether behaviors are valid reactions to a person or abusive and instigating is generally on a case-by-case basis. But it's worth taking into consideration your open-mindedness, good faith, and willingness to improve, as well as the substance and productivity of the criticisms leveled against you. In other words, it sounds like you're open to learning from past behavior (even if you didn't actually do anything wrong), and it also sounds like those criticizing you are more so putting you down and silencing you rather than wanting you to grow or defend yourself.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you navigate and process this situation and its complex dynamics, and guide you along your healing journey. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[caniberedeemed]

06/23/25

I am back here where it all began. I don't know why I'm here. Maybe I'm just looking for any kind of connection to you. Anything from the past or present to just hold on to now that I've lost you. I don't think I'll find anything that will make the loss I feel lessen. You told me we live with the choices we made. I made all the wrong ones. How do you live with that?

August 25, 2013 we met on Tumblr. September 20, 2015 I asked you out. March 11, 2017 we met for the first time. November 27, 2023 we got married.

Now October 21st, 2025 will be when we get divorced. You have already blocked me on everything. You have also already moved on and are with someone else.

This has been so difficult for me to accept. I understand why you're doing the things you are. I understand why you feel the way you do. I put you through a lot. I have hurt you over the years. So much, that you don't love me anymore. What's worse is that when you tried to leave, I didn't respect your decision. I got scared of being left alone. I got scared that my apology to you didn't mean anything in terms of changing your mind. I involved your parents. I didn't think that they would react the way they did. I didn't think they would treat you so horribly. You were so angry at me. Maybe still are. You said I was verbally abusive and controlling. We both spent so much of our time telling ourselves I wasn't. We lied to ourselves and each other, to console one another and ourselves. But the truth comes out eventually. I wish it hadn't been because I pushed you to a point you broke.

I am so sorry, Danica. I failed you in so many ways. I wish I could talk to you. Really talk to you.

I regret that I didn't go get help for my mental illness for the ten years we were together. I was scared of it being real. I was scared of having to really accept that I have something and have to live with it. I ran away. I swept it under the rug. I told myself I wasn't "that bad".

But I was. I just got worse and worse as time passed, as hard as I tried to stay the person I used to be before I got ill. I hurt you so much with my outbursts. My quick temper. The times I'd slip in and out of reality. You'd console me. Tell me you understood. That it's not really me. I'd feel so grateful. But also so disgusted with how I kept repeating the cycle. But I guess I wasn't disgusted enough because I didn't go get help. I thought I was managing it. But I wasn't. I was living in a lie. A fucking delusion. You suffered for my choices. I wish that I had made better ones.

Knowing I'm Bipolar Type 1, makes me feel worse instead of better. I've learned a lot about the illness. I reflect on a lot of my actions in the past and how I reacted. So many things made sense. But at the same time it all just feels like a cop out. How convenient right? Everything really wrong was because of the Bipolar Disorder? Here I am blaming the illness again. Here I am not taking accountability. I really want to take accountability. Make amends. Make things right between us. But how do I do it without sounding like I'm just scapegoating it? Will you even care to hear me out? Have you just written me off your abuser and that there is nothing redeemable about me?

I feel that way a lot. I do all the things I think I should've so that the end of our life together isn't for nothing. I go to every doctor appointment. I take every pill. I don't miss doses. I sleep now. I eat right. I researched the illness. I ask questions. I enrolled in a program to understand how to manage my emotions and interact with people better.

But you know, Danica? It doesn't feel like it'll ever be enough. I wish I could show you how hard I'm working to change. To be better.

I miss you every day. I still love you. I wish I had been better. I wish I had been braver to go to the doctor sooner. I'm sorry it took you divorcing me to finally go. I'm sorry that even now I don't feel like I'm strong enough without you. I'm sorry I am so weak. If only I had been stronger. If only I had been braver. I could have spared us so much pain.

Please take care of yourself. I hope from the bottom of my heart you find healing and happiness. I will always root for you. Even if you no longer want anything to do with me. I will always pray for you and your happiness. I won't ever forget you and what you've done for me.

I love you.

Miki

[jazstudios]

good morning jaz <D

thank you for responding, really. honestly wasn't expecting it, but i like to hear from you <)

i'll admit seeing your message kind of made everything feel a bit more- real? i'm not quite sure how to explain it. it's like, this whole situation still feels like a dream sometimes, but your reply essentially 'bitchslapped' me back to awareness for a bit, lol

i know my previous ask was- definitely heavy, and i'm sorry if it was too much. i likely explained it better before, but i kind of just wanted to get it out, somewhere, somone. i'm sorry you had to see that in your inbox :,v i'm aware you likely may not mind, (or perhaps you do, i'm not quite sure) but still, my apologies for dropping an ask of that nature, without much of a warning no less.

but, thank you. sincerely. thank you for your kind words. you might not think you have a way with words, but. they are your words, i don't think i could ever understate just how much they truly mean to me.

the hug art pic as well. (i'm grasping for terms, apologies lol) if i can be honest for a moment, i likely looked like a tad goofy with how much i was smiling silly at it. not even to mention how i may have gotten teary-eyed a tad by the end of reading it, but i feel that may be beside the point lol.

when i first started reading it, it was a bit unexpected to me? i never really connected or applied those words to myself so it was a bit strange to have them directed at me lol, i hope you fared better when i sent you all my previous asks lmao. though, thank you. (i hope it isn't getting repetitive with how much i've been saying it <P) i know it's rather easy to disregard others' words, but i'll try my best to take your words to heart. i promise.

i love you too, jaz. i hope your mother always gifts you apple slices, i hope you and your cousins always have fun playing roblox with each other. i hope you'll always have something you love, it has the capability to be painful (so too does everything else, of course) but i suppose it's undeniably a gift. may you never go without it <)

truthfully, i had just assumed you likely already had an inkling as to who i might be, lol. thank you for your assurance jaz, it really does mean a lot to me. maybe one day?

i'm aware it may serve no real assurance when i say this due to the- abysmal word count or just nature of my previous ask, but do trust when i say, i think i'll be alright jaz. one of the many traits i share with roaches in fact, is my indestructibility <D i'll get back up again, it's just a process to get there, lol.

should there ever be a nuclear fallout of any sort, i'll probably be able to withstand that too <D (i'm now aware this makes my previous statement sound sarcastic but this part is in jest, i swEar.) now that you- well i, mention it, i'm not entirely sure where i got the idea that roaches would survive a nuclear fallout. hm. food for thought for another day, i suppose.

i know i've already mentioned it last time, but happily i'll say it again. i'll be here as long as you are, as well. should the day come, you move on to other things and this blog rests abandoned. i'll likely still be here, just missing you a whole lot.

i'm at least happy your able to derive any sort of amusement or small joys at the little words and such i send you. that's really all i could hope for <D

i love you very much jaz. thank you once more <3

(i've only now properly read through the last ask, i offer my sincerest apologies for the nonsensical mess that is the part near the end. i hope it wasn't too uncomfortable. i'm not entirely aware what came over to me to send that, but i'll try not to repeat it in the future c,:)

You are welcome! :) you're very cool anon, I love you

Never ever forget that!

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

melancholy slayer of kingdoms

my daughter made me a playlist awhile ago

my phone is a treasure that I rarely use

all the kids love to mess around on it

she called the playlist "slay" with star emicons all around

most of the songs are taylor swift

with some of my usual bangers I sing in the car

today I lived up to the verb

I took my oldest two aside to tell them of the changes

fuck, they never tell you how to do this stuff

and I've taken college classes on child development

fucking aced that shit too

I knew it was going to hurt them

I knew I was going to have to hold space for that hurt

and I was going to have to let them express it

however they wanted to and just be there to witness

and comfort where I could as the news sank in

they say the millennial burden we struggle with

is not "up hill both ways" or some misquoted bootstraps

it's holding space for feelings when we didn't get to have them

and let me tell you I've always had them

I just never had the right ones for anyone to handle

but that can always change and it will

the despair came up first after the first sadness

I wanted to avoid everything and cancel the plan

I didn't really consciously make it was more like

my intuition dragged me over the threshold to tell them

gave me the perfect opportunities and environment

oh, hey gavin looks like we are in the car alone together

let's talk about the changes that are going to happen

knowing how disconnected and isolated I've been

it fucking stabbed me and twisted when he said

something about his experience not mattering

how he was fine and it was my relationship

my inner critic wanted to tear me apart for that

look at me repeating cycles and making my son

feel exactly like little me who never belonged

not even in her own family let alone the world

but I'm changing it now so I can't get caught up in it

deep breath and a few more tears to wipe away

fiona wondered if we'd bring the dog

if she'd have to change schools or quit cheer

I told her if was just me changing locations

everything else would stay the same

I apologized to them both for letting myself be blinded

for not seeing the dysfunction for what it was

for not being able to move more quickly

at least I know now and have the strength to forge new

feel the feelings but don't attach to them

now I understand what the cards meant

I want to hold the guilt and the shame and the blame

against me and use it as a warm fire of self-loathing

that's what I used to do to make myself feel better

hate myself more than everyone around me

I could do it so much better than they ever could

that's not my practice now and my inner knowing

that glowing soothing warmth in this adjusting soul

it tells me I am doing my best and can only learn so quickly

as long as my intentions are good I can't control the rest

fuck this is hard but another step is taken

there's no going back and I'm taking inspired action

to be absolutely sure of history not repeating itself

"this one only brings pain and destruction"

yeah maybe that's true and I'm living up to my name

fi was worried about my room and asked how

we'd decorate it to look so nice in here again

they adjust so quickly and take things as they are

I held her weeping and told her it was okay to cry

I heard her breathing deeply to try and reel it in

my little dragons, my babies, those little sea horses

I created inside of me and brought into this world

that I'm still learning in and we're all growing together

through my mistakes and life's challenges

another step forward and another check on the list

I do feel a lightening of my burden now

this was the part I dreaded the most somehow

more of the fog has lifted and things feel more hopeful

outside there is thunder and flashes of light

I love the sound of the raining

I have this little black stuffed mothman I got at the mall

he's soft like my rabbits were

the sensory information I get from petting him

comforts me and my breathing evens

maybe the body never stops being a child

our intellect just fools us into thinking we're grown

[casspurrjoybell-27]

In a Heartbeat - Chapter 42 - Part 2

*Warning - Adult Content*

Simon

I sucked in a breath, realizing that it was probably because of Nicole that Xavier felt that way here.

The guilt and shame of keeping her secret for this long hit me full force, knowing that Xavier needed to know.

I felt like this was the only chance I'd get, the most appropriate time to tell him.

After all, he did spend his time to help me by being here, it was only right I helped him and told him the truth.

He picked up one of the bouquets near Nicole's plaque.

"That and Helen's are always the best. She picks each flower carefully, strategically placing them in a beautiful arrangement and then wraps it with such care and every single one was different every time."

But it was such a massive thing to tell someone, that I wasn't even sure where to begin.

And no matter how much I felt Xavier deserved to know, there was no telling what his reaction would be.

Would he be mad, sad or accept it?

Xavier was always level-headed compared to his brother's but would he still feel the same after I told him?

Xavier smiled at me before pointing at my plaque.

"She always saved her best for you. It would always be bigger and she'd often write letters all the time for you."

I didn't want to ruin that smile of his but I was feeling that opportunity slipping away by the second.

So I reached out a hand, placing it gently on his knee, looking at her stone.

"You would've liked Nicole," I said to him.

"She loved to garden with Helen. She would've loved this garden too."

He frowned.

"I honestly hadn't seen her very often, you two were always so busy. I was friends with your brothers though. I used to play video games with them all the time."

"No," I told him.

"You would've really liked her."

I couldn't look him in the eyes, instead, staring at her name through the tears.

Xavier shifted, placing his hands gently on my face to look at me.

"Are you alright?"

I shook my head, trying to avoid his eyes, knowing I'd definitely turn into an awful mess.

I sniffled, before apologizing profusely, adding...

"Please don't hate me."

He scoffed.

"I could never hate you, Simon."

I couldn't tell if it was the sobbing or the start of a panic attack but I was having a hard time breathing, I wasn't even sure if I could even tell him now at this point.

I could feel him pull me into a hug but I pushed at his chest until I finally gave up, resting my head in the crook of his neck.

I know it was wrong, trying to seek comfort from him but I wasn't sure I could do it now.

"I've got you," he cooed.

"I'm here."

"I'm sorry," I mewled over and over.

"I'm so sorry."

He rubbed small circles along my back, before saying...

"Why do you feel sorry? You don't have to apologize."

I shook my head, before pushing at him slightly.

"It's all my fault."

"No, it's not. None of it was, Simon."

I gulped, trying so desperately to get my breathing under control but everything was just weighing me down again.

Sounding more and more like a plea, I repeated...

"Please don't hate me."

He gripped my arms, pulling me back slightly to look me in my eyes.

"What's wrong? How could I possibly hate you?"

'Now or never,' I thought to myself.

If I couldn't manage to tell him, then I was sure that it would just make things worse for him later.

So will all the courage I could possibly muster, through all the tears, I told him.

I couldn't look him in the eyes but I told him, as quiet as my voice came out.

Those five dreaded words that had unknowingly haunted me and caused so much pain for him all those years but I said it.

"Nicole, she was your mate."

It was unbearably silent waiting for his reaction, complete fear coursing through me at what his reaction would be.

I wanted to believe that he'd be understanding, that he'd tell me it was alright but I knew that that was something terrible to find out.

To know that you had been searching for nearly two decades, only to know that she had died in front of you so long ago.

So even in his arms, I knew that his reaction, no matter how negative would be warranted.

After all, I had known this long without telling him, without telling anyone.

I first noticed his body tensing, aside from that, he hadn't moved, hadn't said anything but my flight response was kicking in and I so desperately wanted to hightail it out of there and as the silence kept on, I could feel the panic hitting me full force.

I was shaking terribly, my teeth chattering from the violent tremors, as I pulled my arms into me.

I wanted to disappear and flee from him all at once.

I felt so disassociated from my body, murmuring...

"Please don't hate me," over and over through shallow breaths.

My body was failing to listen to me, as the fear seemed to claw at every single organ in my body and then I could feel Xavier standing up then and a different fear was growing.

He was leaving.

He was going to leave me here.

I didn't care if he kicked me or punched me but I gripped onto his pant leg, trying to hold him here.

"No," I cried.

"Please don't leave. Don't leave me. I'm sorry."

He still hadn't said anything and I wasn't even sure of what scared me more, his silence or his desire to leave, to walk away like I wasn't suffering too.

It didn't help that this situation was feeling all too similar and as unreasonable as it seemed, it felt like Vince tossing me aside again when I told him about us and again when I pleaded with him to stop hurting my family, to at least let me stay in the pack.

I had begged him just like I was begging Xavier, clutching onto his arm and leg, hoping that he would at least listen, to at least have some sympathy.

All I could hear was myself pleading with Xavier over and over until he finally broke his silence.

"I-I just need some time, Simon. Some space, please."

He sounded so heartbroken and now I wasn't sure if I did the right thing now.

I had hurt him, I hurt Xavier.

Not only did I push him away but now I was for sure having an attack, everything so dizzy and painful.

My mind was spiraling and at that point, I was so far gone, so lost, that I wasn't even sure where I was or what I was doing.

'It hurts,' I wanted to shout, wanting somebody to help me.

'Please, it hurts.' 

[imbeingstalked98]

You want honesty?

I want to be able to have an opinion without having others point it out as a way to define me. I absolutely hate how they destroyed my connections with others and called me a "covert narcissist" just because I'm able to understand their hardships, or I am willing to listen. Coming from someone that has been harassed, neglected, physically and mentally abused, you think I'd want to constant be put in the victim position? No, but I want others to stop being abusive. I'm able to consider and care for others because I don't want them to feel the pain I felt.

I don't want to know other people's private lives where it is too personal to bare unless they need me there for them. Does anyone really understand what it means to lose a friend that was going through a lot in life, I miss my old best friend a lot, and I've lost him because of this. Does anyone understand how it feels to be constantly silenced when you're right about something, or gaslit, and they see your misery and pain as a joke.

I am not a celebrity, everyone is dishonest, but things like this cause people to lose their sanity. Exposed to a repeating stimuli from sociopathic strangers that are sadistic as fuck. I'd say I wouldn't want them to experience it out of vengeance, but I want them to experience to understand how it feels to lose joy in music, to lose joy in the things you love, to hate the sound of your name, to wish you can change your whole face, and no longer dress the way you used to.

I hear more people mimicking me for being "so tired" if you dealt w the same frustrations and harassment and you were suicidal every minute of the day you would lose all the energy you had to live life. I used to romanticize my life, maybe a little too much. I wish I still had that spirit in me to enjoy it.

I am a hard person to relate to or understand, bc I will push away family that I had a lot of painful memories with, I hold grudges if I never gotten the apology for the abuse that was inflicted. And if you carry these grudges for too long you turn into the person you hate the most. Dishonest and full of hate. Just because I seemed very happy before its bc I have bipolar disorder. I don't think there will ever be a chance for me to improve my life as much as I improve myself.

I used to think being considerate and caring and generous I would get good karma, and not to be gifted back but just to be appreciated. And, when you give too much of yourself away, the people you cared for don't care if you have nothing left, especially since they've enabled it. I may be filled with a lot of hateful memories, but I will always have room for love in my heart. I used to think it was fine to be the one to get pushed over, to work harder so it would make everyones else's lives easier, so when it was my turn in my personal relationship to be taken care of it felt really nice, that at least, even one person's love was enough for me to live for.

There is just too many obstacles, and they say "let go of what you can't control" does that mean I have to let go of my life? Things are getting far too deep and dark for me to have any chance in reviving my life.

[lavmana]

So because I love tables I made some tables! I'll link the full thing at the end but here's the (semi-readable) table of ships! (I did have to guess some of the names)

(I apologise for how small it is this is the best I can do in this case)

However probably more interesting is looking at the numbers between various relationship types! So going in order we have the Exes:

With an average of 2.111 repeating, Twilight and Trixie are doing some HEAVY lifting here. Without them the average would be 1.75 so congratulations to them for being the most... something. Regardless it's also quite funny to me that the main difference between a '3' ex and a '1' ex is basically if it is het or not. (This is not a judgement, I'd do the exact same). The main exception being Trixie and Rarity who are the only 2 here which I think puts them firmly in the "not my thing but I support it" category.

Otherwise this mostly makes sense! You'd either put exes down as "canon relationships that I do NOT want" or "They'd totally be a fling but regret it" which only really lends itself to the lower side of numbers!

Also lol fluttercord L + ratio + Tree Hugger wins + the 0 stands for 0 bitches. I swear I'm a nice person in real life please don't take this seriously.

Okay next Queer Platonic relationships or QPs as I'm calling them cause it sounds like "cuties":

Welcome to the realm of averages. To address the exceptions I need to admit I have no idea what the... tissue(?) cutie mark is that's attached to cheese sandwich, so I'll just hope it's an OC that I don't know and support it! Otherwise Trixie and Sunburst get a 1 I assume because they had to be connected to complete the platonic square going on between Trixie, Starlight, Sunburst, and Thorax(?). On that note the main QPs occur between the mane 6 (especially Pinkie Pie my platonic queen), and that square. This is also Bubbles main spot so take a moment to appreciate her then keep reading.

With an average of 2.231 this does make sense given most of what makes up these links are filling in polycules which are supported but not a main ship.

Next the era of Romance:

"Gee Twilight how come you get 6 girlfriends, 3 exes, 2 QPs, and a wife?" Respect to my girl for pursuing ONLY romantic relationships with her besties. However the real star is secretly Rainbow Dash who has no links going below 3 (within the mane 6) awarding her the prize of most shippable pony! Congrats Rainbow! Twilight does still win the most links with 12.

This is by far the most popular category for a link to fall into. The Mane 6 really do shine here with Twilight Rarity and RD all having plenty of spots here. We also enter the higher numbers with hilariously the only 5s being Mordecai and Rigby (good for her) and AJ and rarity which is a real range.

There's probably too much here to comment on anything properly but definitely the most fun to look through, especially with all the 4s.

And now... mawiage!

omg did I actually write person instead of pony? I cannot believe myself right now, this is my greatest shame.

Anyway with an average of 4 (4.375 without Mudbriar) we have achieved our highest rated category! Of course this makes sense, if you think two ponies have high enough chemistry to be married, you probably also think they have good shipping potential you enjoy. This gives us most of the 5s and RD getting TWO wives.

Maud Pie really brings things down here with her husband, apologies to my ace king but you have been voted off the island. In the mean time we can basically spot the top tier ships in here with Twipie, appledash, flutterdash, and trixie x starlight! So if you wanna get on Zigo's (I'm assuming this is your legal name) good side depict these ships!

Weird Al is also in here. He got a 3 so good for him.

As for my own thoughts I actually am a big fan of this chart! Beyond like a few numbers slightly up or down 1 rank I basically agree with it! It's cool to see where the differences lie but I've talked way too much to keep yapping so bye!

And that mostly summarizes some thoughts from this graph! I very much enjoyed making these tables so if anyone ever makes something like this again I will keep putting them into LibreOffice and comparing the data I find! You can see the full tables here:

It's a .ods file because that's what libreoffice uses.

headcanon relationship chart for the mane 6. for some undefined amount of time after the show

i am not trying to lend undue legitimacy to the institution of marriage. or devalue queer platonic relationships. these are just different types of relationships. obviously.

[eluminium]

I just like Skranchers bc its Silly and Funky and is an overall easy tag since Plateup Trio feels strange since other people play Plateup and its too nonspecific, Chaos Kitchen/Chaos Cooks is related to general other cooking content (at least from what I've seen while trying to search the tag), and unlike ZIT/ZITS or BEST, STJ/JST [?] doesn't have a sound to it so it's so easy to mix up the letters for someone like me that can't even remember basic number sequences

I understand wanting Skizz to have more credit and be treated with more respect instead of as an add-on, especially in content HE INITIATED, but I also don't think fighting about a tag is really something we should be doing? Like,, for example, saying someone dropped a 'dumb take' while making a completely valid point wasn't informative, just needlessly malicious? (Note: I apologize, if you meant that lightheartedly, I was just looking through the reblogs and saw that and it just kinda?? Feels icky??)

I understand not liking the tag or not using it, but is it worth stressing and being hostile towards other fans? If anything it just alienates anyone who might want to get into Skizz's content because of the hostility over using a silly tag

I say all of this nonmaliciously, I just want to better understand, not the intent/frustration since I mean I Get It, but why it's projected so harshly upon other people just trying to have fun with a silly goofy name

Well, the simple answer is while it would be great if we all could just use whatever names we wanted for duos/trios/quartets/what have you, at the end of the day we are a community that will have to decide on a name for ease of communication. That's why we have the names in the first place, yeah? And while the name "Skranchers" isn't objectively problematic (and neither are the people using it) it's a name I subjectively hate with my entire heart. (For the reasons stated in that OG reblog, which wasn't just about Skizz being pushed away. I'm assuming you've read it just so I won't have to repeat myself. If you haven't then I'd highly recommend reading it because y'know, I explain my reasons for why the name is Trash.) It was the name that was catching on with the fandom and was on its way to becoming the "official" tag for them. Which would mean that it wouldn't just be people having fun with a goofy name, it would be what everyone referred to them as, and if I and people like me wanted to interact or make art about them, we'd be forced to use that name. Now our fun is sacrificed, and for a really unneeded reason since I don't think anyone would be offended if we just came up with another name for them. We should all get to have fun together, instead of some of us having fun and the others having to suck it up And while you're entitled to your opinion, personally I don't think that's a strong enough argument considering we have names like Desert Duo despite the fact that Grian and Scar have not been in anything Desert-related for like, 2 years. Same with names like Seablings or Wither Duo or Flower Husbands. They're not bad names at all! But they are extremely removed from their context nowadays, and yet we still use them and recognize which characters are being referred to. Really, Ranchers haven't been Ranchers for a year if not more. The only reason we call them Ranchers is that the fandom knows that it's the name for Jimmy and Tango. Based on that, why would we reuse that name with its own unique dynamic/setting and glue Skizz to it when neither he nor the trio dynamic/setting has ANYTHING to do with Ranches, Ranching or the aesthetics of such? They play Plate-Up together! That's their thing! (for now.) Just like the Ranch was The Thing for Tango and Jimmy during DL! Therefore it would make more sense to make a trio name related to Plate-Up or cooking instead of using anything relating to Ranchers. I can however agree that the letter combos don't really work since there are no vowels. I'll give you that one. Personally, I use "Goodfellas" for them based on that entire bit where they were acting like mobsters, and someone in the mob is referred to as a Goodfella. But names like "Goo Crew", based on the Goo jokes, are excellent as well! Thing is also if you read that OG post and its reblog, outside of that one tag (which was intended to be overly dramatic and not fully serious but I now see that it was a mistake to not mark it as such. Sorry about that.) it's not attacking anyone. It's very focused on the name itself because I don't have a problem with the people using it. It's a dumb name, yeah, but that's no reason to hate someone. That post was not meant as an attack, but more as me showing my own resistance to the name and imploring my fellow fans to perhaps pick another name! Because I think the name is shit, and extremely frustrating as a Skizz fan. Especially with the recent "The S in ZITS stands for Solidarity" nonsense and the fact that Rancher fans have a bad habit of throwing Ranchers into places where people were trying to talk about something else for once while carelessly pushing aside other characters. At the end of the day, everyone's gotta have a weird hill to die on. And this is mine. Does the name of a trio made up of fully grown men playing video games together matter to my life that much? Of course not. But in a fandom space, which this is, it does matter to me.

[vioartemis]

Too far

(Amber Freeman x Ghostface! fem! reader)

Summary: After Amber and you were forced to become the new Ghostface, you realize your happy end just slipped through your fingers as you snap at her Request are here (with more details here and here) and here :)) a/n: it's quite short I'm sorry, got stuck at the end not really knowing what to do... Warnings: Ghostface stuff (violence, blood, injuries, etc), angst, no happy end (English isn't my first language, I'm sorry if there are mistakes or if something doesn't make sense TvT)

"Let me get this straight. You met a guy on reddit, started talking because you agreed Stab 8 was shit, and now he wants to start a new killing spree and frame Tara's sister for the murders?" you asked your girlfriend as calmy as possible

"And if I don't help him, he said he would kill you..." she added, looking down with tears in her eyes "I'm so sorry Y/n..."

She looked miserable. You never saw her like that. It was not her type to cry or let others step on her. You were her only weakness. She would do everything in her power to make sur you were safe.

You were the only reason she accepted to become the new Ghostface. To keep you safe. But that meant that she was in danger now. Because the bad guys never win.

She was acting weird lately, you knew something was off. But you wouldn't have imagined something like that. The thought of your girlfriend killing people - even if it was to protect you - made you sick.

"Hey, it's okay" you pulled her in for a hug "Telling me about it was the right thing to do. We're going to figure that out together, okay?"

Amber wrapped her arms around you and held you close, burying her face in the crook of your neck and apologizing all over again. She knew she fucked up and felt guilty about it.

"I'm so sorry..." she repeated "You're probably wishing you never had met me..."

"Of course not my love... I would never wish for that... You're the best thing that happened in my life..." you kissed her to wipe her worries away "Listen, here's what we're going to do... tell him we will help him"

"We? Wait no Y/n- I don't want yo to get hurt. That's too dangerous you can't- I don't want you to become a criminal because of me..."

"Amber, my love. It will be fine, I won't expose myself. I'll help you with the technical issues"

I was, in fact, not going to be fine. Taking care of 'technical issues' wasn't enough for Richie. He would force you to kill, threatening you to hurt your girlfriend and you if you didn't.

<><><><> ♡ <><><><>

That was it. Everyone was dead, including Richie. It was finally over. You were alone with Amber, in her house, both covered in blood.

You should be happy that it was over, but you couldn't take your eyes away from your friend's body. Tara's body. You felt like she was looking at you, her dark brown eyes wide opened in shock. Dead. Because of you.

You had flashbacks of Wes, how afraid he looked when you sunk your blade in his throat. How he begged you to let him live. How he would never know his mom was dead too.

You thought you would throw up immediately. It was a pure torture. Seeing him looking at you like that, terrified, crying for help. Every time you closed your eyes you could see him. Dead. In front of you.

How Judy died thinking her son was dead because she wasn't here in time. How she sounded when you called her. The panic in her voice, how it was shaking when you told her you gutted Wes. How you stomach twisted uncomfortably at the lie you told her.

How all your friends looked at you after the 'big reveal'. After you betrayed them all. How Tara begged you to untie her after Amber locked her in her closet. How she still had hope that you might change your mind and help her.

How she looked at you when you aimed at her with the gun, tears in her eyes, pleading you to stop. To spare her. How her eyes got wide when you told her you couldn't, voice shaking, tears rolling down your cheeks.

How the realization hit her. Her lips were trembling, she couldn't look at you anymore. She knew she was going to die of your hands before you even pulled the trigger.

And Sam's desperate scream after you shot her sister before her eyes... How it broke your heart to see her like that, knowing she couldn't protect the one she loved the most.

Protect the one she loved the most... That was what got you in this situation in the first place. You never wanted that. You never thought it would go like that. It was not supposed to go like that.

Amber and you were supposed to give Richie to the police with evidence. But she got scared. She thought you would've had problems too, being his accomplices, even if he forced you.

She told you it would be better to find another solution. Frame him for all the murders, not reveal yourselves with him. You trusted her. But her plan didn't work out.

None of this shit plan worked out.

She swore you wouldn't get hurt. She swore she made him promise nothing would happen to you.

But he stabbed you. Three times. And Gale shot you in the leg. And Sidney smashed a bottle in your face, leaving you with a deep cut on the left side of your face, going through your eye. You would probably never see with this eye again.

You had no idea how you were still conscious. You were so tired. The only thing you wanted to do was lay down and close your eyes.

Too caught up in your thoughts, you didn't hear Amber come up to you, until she entered your field of vision.

"Are you okay...?"

"Am I okay...? Am I okay...? Of course I'm not okay!"

You flinched when she tried to put her hand on your arm and took a step back.

"Don't touch me."

Now it was her turn to flinch at the tone of your voice.

"All of this-" you gestured toward the corpses around you, including your own wounds "-it's your fault. All. Of. This."

"Y... you don't mean it, right...?"

"Oh yes I mean it. Everything is your fault, Amber. If you never talked to him-"

"But you know he forced me...!" the way her voice broke should have told you to stop here. But you didn't.

"-if you stuck to the plan we wouldn't be here! You swore I wouldn't get hurt. You swore I wouldn't have to kill anyone! And look where we are! I killed my friends! For you! Because I got caught up in this stupid shit! Because of you!"

Your voice became more and more louder as your rage built up.

"I got stabbed three fucking times! And I will probably never see properly again! All that for what? For what huh? Tell me for what I did all this shit?!" you were yelling now, tears and blood blurring your vision "For you! Because I didn't want to let you alone! Because I thought we would get out of this before it got out of control! Because we had a fucking plan! A plan that you fucked up because you were too scared we would have had minor problems!"

"Baby... please stop..." She was crying now. Each one of your words felt like a stab wound directly in her heart "I- I love you so much I..."

"Well I fucking hate you!" you huffed, lips curling up into a smile - not a joyful one. "I don't even know why I stayed after you told me! I should have run away when I could. I should have listened to them. The others. Everyone. They warned me before we got together. They told me you were no good for me. But I didn't listen. I thought they were wrong about you. Turns out they were fucking right."

"Y/n..."

"You fucking ruined my life! I wish I never had met you."

Your tirade over, you took a moment to breathe, heart beating fast in your chest. You stumbled, and sat on the stairs, not giving her a single look. She didn't dare to look at you either.

She felt so empty, like you ripped her heart out of her chest and stabbed it, stepped on it, ran over it with a semi-trailer. She let herself fall to the ground, back against a wall. You waited for the ambulances and the police in this heavy silence.

When they took you to one of the cars, you were crying. Not even faking it. Real tears.

You didn't mean half of what you said to her. Even if you were angry - terribly angry - you could never hate her. You probably should, given what just happened. A part of you did hate her. But the other one was still desperately in love with her.

Maybe you went too far. Like this shitty situation. And exactly like it, it's too late to go back now. Even if you wanted to.

But you had to. It was the best thing you could do. For her.

It would be easier to go if she hated you. Easier for her to make a fresh start after. But god did it hurt... Telling her all this shit, knowing it would break her...

You lost too much blood, you knew it. It was a miracle you were still alive. You fought so hard to stay conscious during the last thirty minutes... but now you could let go.

The way Richie twisted the knife in your stomach probably damaged important organs, and the bullet in your thigh and the cut on your face didn't help. You had glass in your eye. Taking it out would probably kill you.

But it was okay. She was okay - physically at least. You were going to die, but she would be fine. There was no doubt she hated you right now. You hoped she did.

"It was the right thing to do, right...?" you whispered in the oxygen mask, as you felt yourself getting weaker

You felt tears rolling on your face. Your throat hurt. Your heart was in pieces. You regretted telling her all this shit. You just wanted to hold her before going. Just once.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it... I love you so much..." you murmured

As you started to slowly lose consciousness, your moments together flashed before your eyes; the first time you saw her, your first date, first kiss, her smile, her laugh, her sometimes questionable humor... her soft lips on yours, her hands slipping under your shirt, cold fingers caressing your skin...

She loved kissing you like that. You did too. You wished you could kiss like that one more time.

You wished things ended up differently.

She really was the best thing that happened to you. You wished you would have the chance to meet her again in your next life.